seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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