Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You are a genius and a whore.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
