So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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