bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm like, not good at living.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
