WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My pussy is not your playground.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
