Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
