How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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