Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
