Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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