My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
