If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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