If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
