oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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