I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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