Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
