Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
