When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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