Don't make out with my wife yet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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