so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
