Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Please don't give away my fajitas
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
