I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
