Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
