Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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