i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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