The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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