the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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