I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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