He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
