I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So many bounce houses so little time
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
