Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
