so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
