i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
