We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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