mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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