I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Help. Why am I so naked?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
