So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
