you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
