So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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