Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
