I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
