bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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