When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
