So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
