How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
