I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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