i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
