He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
