I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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