dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
