I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
