I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
