my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
