I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
