Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
