The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You ruined the universe
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