you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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