When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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