So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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