I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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