hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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