he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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